Winston Sits Down Horus Witherfork
I got to meet the author of the “Keeping It Cool Guide to Wintering Like You Mean It,” Horus Witherfork. Here is the transcript from our enthralling discourse.
Winston: Greetings. I’m here today with legendary survival expert and author Horus Witherfork. Mr. Witherfork, how do you spell that?
Horus: H O R U …
W: Slow down. You’re spelling too fast.
H: How about I write it down for you after we speak?
W: Very well. So, I read in your last work, the “Keepers of the Cool Guide to Wintering Like You Mean It,” that you only have one toe on your foot. I have two toes, just FYI. How did that happen?
H: Oh, it was many, many years ago. I was on a search for Santa at the North Pole. Night came upon me quickly, so I did what anyone would do in that situation – I built a shelter out of dried pasta, popsicle sticks and glue like I had done in school as a boy. But it didn’t keep me as warm as I thought it would’ve, and I got frostbite on most of my toes.
W: So is that why you advise your readers to simply rent a hotel room rather than try to survive the cold nights outdoors?
W: Hmm. That’s very smart. I can see why Visit Billings hired you. What else from last year’s guide did you find particularly brilliant in terms of advising visitors coming to Billings during the winter months?
H: I would say my remarkable discovery of the Billings Brew Trail. Such sustenance! I plan to return with a cartographer to map it out completely and submit my discovery to the people who make globes.
W: But there’s already a map at visitbillings.com/billings-brew-trail.
H. Oh bugger! Someone must have beat me to it!
W: Well, maybe they missed something… Me and Bert would be happy to come out with you to scout for locations they might have missed.
[“Nice try, Winston,” says Director Jeff in the audio background]
W: So, what do you have new for this year?
H: Yes yes. I am studying a local ritual that you’re probably familiar with – Holiday Nights, right here at ZooMontana. People gather here to look at colorful lights. I haven’t yet discerned the meaning of the flickering pattern of the lights, but it may be Morse Code for something important like the location of the yeti. Oooh! Or maybe it’s some binary code revealing the last undiscovered stop on the Brew Trail!
W: Um, sure Horus. It must be something like that. Is there anything else you would like to relay to the visitors of Billings.
H: Just be on the lookout for the highly anticipated supplement to the Keeping it Cool Guide, available for free at visitbillings.com/fall-winter.
W: Thank you, Horus.
This concludes my interview with Horus Witherfork. He lingered around a bit, sniffing my fur and looking at my hammock. When he dipped his toe in my swimming pool, I was forced to call security.